Living on a Rollercoaster

This was not a dream, this was real and it involved me.  My life as I knew it, had been turned upside.  No longer was I this privileged girl, who skirted through life with focus and direction.  In the past, I had the uncanny ability to achieve goals with little or no effort. Now,  I was no longer that person with the perfect family, perfect life and the perfect profession.

Soon after the notice, I had another mammogram followed by a biopsy on July 1. The biopsy indicated the mass was located near the chest wall and was approximately 1cm in diameter.  The radiologist indicated the mass tissue was indicative of Stage 1.  In other words, the growth was still in its infancy and had not spread to the lymph nodes.

Following the biopsy, I received a call from The Virginia Cancer Institute.  Through them, I was scheduled for an MRI and an appointment to meet with a surgeon.  The MRI confirmed the location of the mass was against the chest cavity and lymph nodes appeared not to have been affected. Whew...(at least that was good news!).  The meeting with the surgeon was not an easy one.  This appointment was more of a crash course in Breast Cancer 101.  The surgeon explained that most common cancers had hormone receptors. She explained, the receptors are proteins found inside some cancer cells. When hormones attach to these receptors they make the cancer cell grow. If  my tumor was hormone receptor positive, I would receive hormonal treatments that would prevent cancer cells from getting the particular hormone needed to grow.  Tumors that are negative for hormone receptors are not treated with hormone therapies.  This type of cancer is called Triple Negative, the cancer the surgeon hoped I didn't have.

Support Group

Last night I attended my first Breast Cancer Support Group.  It wasn't quite what I had expected.  Although there was a large group of women present, ranging in ages 30 to 70+, I found the majority of comments a bit condensing in nature.  To be honest I was disappointed; from the conversations I have had (with nurses and my doctor), the group would be embracing, supportive and each women attending would make a "connection".  I don't feel I connected to anyone.

When asked about my greatest fear, I opened up and revealed "the loss of my hair", I was bombarded with comments such as "your hair does not define you", "your hair should be the least of your problems", "your hair will grow back", etc., etc.  I had hoped for sympathetic comments like, "I know that fear and I support you", or "I would love to help you overcome this fear". I felt uncomfortable and was not able to voice my opinion on those head wraps. Each of those women just raved about the scarves and all the fabulous ways to wrap one's head. I don't want to wear that "badge of honor". I don't want to be identified as "having cancer".  The one comment most condensing, "you hair doesn't define you". I'm not stupid, I know my hair doesn't define me, but my hair is tied to my comfort zone, my security, my self-esteem.

What do I want from this group? I would love to make new friends to assist me in my journey through those long months of chemo and radiation.  Will I attend the next meeting? Give this support group a second chance? I don't honestly know. Deep down, I want this group to work for me, I want that "connection".